My grandfather once told me that he kept a hammer in his bedside table so that if he brought a lady friend home he could "whack it and tell her to jump on before the swelling went down." I miss that old man so so much.
ETA – thank you for the metals. I'm glad Grandpop has brought so much joy to everyone today. He was an old coot who loved to say things to make your jaw drop so I know that he's up there laughing his ass off right now.